BABToiR: The Grand Tavern

This place just popped up on my radar in the last few months, and it’s delightful. The drinks are on the pricey side, but they have square ice cubes instead of rectangles, and you’re basically hanging out in a house, which is what over-25’s secretly want to be doing anyway.

The bathrooms are in the only place in the bar they could be, so they’re pretty easy to locate. There are signs on the wall facing you that show a man and a woman, which could be confusing if you’re very drunk, because there are no follow-up arrows indicating that you’re supposed to turn right for the ladies’ (or left for the men’s) rather than pee under the sign. Assuming you do turn right and make it in, you are rewarded with:

Pros! A clean restroom with two glamorous gold-framed mirrors and a large table to set your belongings on on one wall, and a sink and toilet on the opposite wall. The mirrors are high enough that you don’t have to see yourself on the toilet (I do not understand why some people think seeing yourself on a toilet is a good idea). The best part about this bathroom is the trust it shows in its customers. There was a lit candle in the restroom! This is a sign of a classy bathroom. You cannot be a raging party bar and have fire sitting out in an area where people are left unsupervised. They also provide Febreze (I just realized how nonsensical this product’s name is), which is nice to have on hand, I suppose, though I have a strict no-pooping-at-bars policy that everyone should adhere to.

Cons!  The signage (easily remedied by left and right arrows). There’s only one toilet for each gender, and the bathrooms are gendered, which I find unnecessarily oppressive. (Seriously, just bypass the urinal idea and put a toilet in each. I know dudes can pee in normal toilets.) The lighting is also a little harsh in comparison with the rest of the environment.

Overall the cons are subtle enough and the pros are solid enough that I 100% do not mind returning to this bathroom in the future. It’s actually pretty high on the BABToiR list. At some point I will probably set up a ranking. In the meantime,  get excited for that.

The Grand Tavern is at 3601 Grand Ave, Oakland, CA 94610.

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies.

I don’t know if you’ve heard the interview with Tracy Morgan on Fresh Air yet, but if not you should give it a listen. Maybe before you read this post, as that’s what it’s about.

At first I just kept thinking, “He is REALLY crazy.” and “He really IS crazy.” Then I realized that isn’t at all what is weird about the interview; it is that he ISN’T crazy… He is just a normal effed up dude, with emotional problems and difficulty making his way in our celebrity culture. Tracy Morgan talks about serious things that happened in his life, and how they affected him, and you can feel how invested he is in what he’s talking about. What does it mean that when a celebrity acts like a human being that listeners and interviewers become uncomfortable?

It IS crazy that he is where he is in life, in the spotlight, when he’s clearly got very different boundaries than most people who make it to that level of celebrity. Most people we see interviewed have a persona, and they maintain it. There are tons of famous people who are dedicated to talking about nonsense as though it’s really important to them, and kissing people’s asses, and never speaking about negative feelings, because they desperately need to stay in the good graces of whoever they’re talking to in order to maintain their income. Usually we get a seemingly intimate glance into people’s lives through interviews, but it there’s an unspoken agreement that we take it with a grain of salt, and they do not get too serious about the information they reveal. This seems especially true for comedians speaking in a serious context. I have heard a larger percentage of comedians than other entertainment-based celebrities talk about coming from messed up families or suffering from serious depression, but that information is conveyed almost always as jokes, which have the same sense of detachment and not necessarily being real. The difference here is that Tracy Morgan is not making light of his situation. He’s bogged down in it to some degree, and his funny-guy persona comes off as a defense mechanism.

Do we all create personas that then go out of our hands and into the hands of the people we interact with? Is who you think you are irrelevant to everyone except yourself, even when (or particularly when) you’re a celebrity? Quite possibly. It ultimately was really refreshing to listen to someone who wasn’t participating in that kind of public discussion in the usual way. Tracy Morgan seems to be just himself, and although that’s kind of volatile and makes for weird interviews, it also reveals our expectations around the celebrity interview process, and how falsified that process itself is.

Help the Aged

So Wallpaper played last night at Amoeba (in BERKELEY, not San Francisco, stupid foursquare). It was super rad but I could barely see the band through all the hip 18 year olds dancing their asses off and drinking their Jamba Juices. Two girls in the front were dancing with such ecstatic abandon that I initially thought the band had hired them to keep the energy up.

You might have sensed this already, but being there made me feel old, and weird. I used to go to in-stores at Rhino Records in Claremont when I was 18. I hadn’t been in a record store in like a decade, which in itself is crazy because that’s one of the activities I was super into doing until I stopped doing it. All of the albums I saw there that I originally purchased at record stores are now sold for $5.

Also contributing to my weird/old feelings: At some point in the set Wallpaper covered Bel Biv Devoe’s Poison. Poison is the song my dance was set to when I tried out for cheerleading in 6th grade. Yeah, 6th grade. Front man Ricky Reed made some jokes about drummer Arjun Singh having written the song when he was 17. I suspect that the college freshmen didn’t even realize these jokes took place.

Despite my perplexity, the band and performance kept me feeling positive. The songs and banter are top notch, and they play with the kind of enthusiasm that’s contagious. I’m all about bands that can make me laugh AND make me dance. If you get a chance, I highly recommend checking out their CD-release show this Saturday at the Rickshaw Stop in SF. D-d-d.

BABToiR: Merchant’s

I’d never been to Merchant’s before, so this was exciting. Allow me to set the scene: Up front there’s the bar and a cozy, black-lit booth area with a stripper pole in the middle of two couches. In the back there’s room where shows must have been played, based on the now-graffiti-covered speakers and mic stand (and piano? wtf?). There was also a pool table, and a friendly dog that smelled like it rolled around in someone’s ass. On the plus side, they have $1 PBR, and you can’t really do any better than that.

I was expecting the bathroom to be utter wreckage, but it actually seemed cleaner than the rest of the bar.*

I give them props for having fully stocked paper products, soap, and a flushable toilet. Nice art on the walls too: a mirrored Budweiser sign hanging on one wall; on another a framed, black and white photo of a little girl holding a rock that says “Pray.” Bonus: Right outside the bathroom is a blacklight, which means that as you’re carrying your G&T toward the bathroom you have the opportunity to realize that tonic water glows in this environment, and that science is awesome.

*The dude’s restroom must not be as nice because I saw a guy peeing behind a forklift outside.

Merchant’s is at401 2nd Street, Oakland, CA 94607. It is also apparently called “Merchant’s Saloon,” which is questionable.

BABToiR: The Mallard in Albany (downstairs)

Things that are awesome:

1. There is a bidet. Based on my experience, this is highly unusual in Bay Area bathroom toilets.

2. There’s an optionally-heated toilet seat, which is super awesome if it’s freezing outside.

3. Paper products are generally well-stocked, and the bathroom is usually pretty clean.

Things that are stupid:

1. (This first one is a huge negative. Bigger than you think, even.) There are huge, terrifying murals (including one of someone barfing and possible clowns) all over the walls. If you’re at all claustrophobic or susceptible to visual over-stimulation, I advise you to keep your eyes closed once you’ve secured the location of the toilet. Why on earth would they put this on a wall?

2. It’s a very long walk from the door to the can. Factor this in when deciding how long to wait to get in the bathroom line.

(Photo by e-206 on Flickr)

The Mallard is at 752 San Pablo Avenue (between Portland Ave & Washington Ave), Albany, CA 94706.

G-Child

My sister is 9 and has an e-mail account now, which is weird. A side-effect of this is that she is now on G-Chat. Here are our some highlights from our conversations so far (Note: Some of the emoticons don’t show up the way they are supposed to. Some of the smileys are supposed to be monkey faces.):

Kiara: hey

me: hiiii!

what are you doing?

it is crazy that you have e-mail.

6:29 PM Kiara: i’m teching Alana to tie shoes and yes it is

me: how is she doing at tying her shoes?

6:30 PM Kiara: she can do a little but can’t do it all

6:31 PM me: it’s nice that you are teaching her.

tell her i know she can do it!

Kiara: k

6:32 PM me: did you tell dad you want to come visit?

I miss you guys.

Kiara: yes and i miss you 2

6:34 PM right now i’m trying to put my left shoe so Alana can practice

6:35 PM me: ha. how are you doing that while you are typing?

Kiara: got it

——————

8:07 PM Kiara: hi

me: hi!

did alana tie her shoes yet?

Kiara: no

8:08 PM she gave up

8:09 PM how are you

8:10 PM ?

christa

8:11 PM me: hi sorry i had to leave the room for a second. i am good. how are you?

Kiara: good

me: what have you been up to lately?

8:12 PM Kiara: walking around

8:13 PM daddy says hi and i love you

me: tell him i also say hi and i love you

Kiara: ok

8:15 PM me: where have you been walking around?

8:16 PM Kiara: nuthin really.chat with Alana for a while k

hi

8:18 PM

me: hiiii!

Kiara: i mis you

8:19 PM me: i miss you too!

and i love you

kiara said you’re learning to tie your shoes!

Kiara: yes

8:20 PM me: how is it going?

8:21 PM Kiara: fine

me: i am proud of you for trying to learn to tie your shoes.

awesome big girl move

8:22 PM Kiara: how are you

8:23 PM me: i am doing well.

i want you to come up and visit

8:24 PM Kiara: me to

me: can you drive yet?

8:25 PM Kiara: no.i have to be 16 or older

8:26 PM me: how old are you now?

8:27 PM 6?

Kiara: yes 6

8:28 PM me: ok. so in ten years.

maybe dad will drive you up here in the meantime.

8:29 PM Kiara: yeah

——————

5:53 PM Kiara: hi

5:54 PM hey

me: hi!

5:55 PM Kiara: what you doing

5:56 PM ?

me: waiting for peter to make dinner and cleaning our apartment

what are you doing?

5:57 PM Kiara: nuthing

5:58 PM daddy says I love you

5:59 PM me: i love daddy too!

I think I’m going to try to make curtains.

6:00 PM Kiara: cool

43 minutes

6:44 PM Kiara: what took you soo lloonngg

6:45 PM

|)

35 minutes

7:20 PM me: hiiii

7:21 PM Kiara: hey

me: what’s up?

Kiara: what took you so long

?

7:22 PM me: i talked to grandma and then ate dinner

Kiara: ok

what you doing now

7:23 PM ?

7:24 PM Alana wants to chat

me: ok. i am going to go make curtains in a couple of minutes though

7:25 PM Kiara: ok i love you

7:26 PM me: ok i love you too!!

7:27 PM Kiara: cool

7:30 PM

28 minutes

7:59 PM Kiara: hey

it is Alana

8:02 PM your cool

51 minutes

8:54 PM Kiara: (Kiara)

hello

?

christa

8:55 PM are you still there?

ok

:-/

|)

8:56 PM hola

8:57 PM helloo

are you there Christa?

9:01 PM hello?

15 minutes

9:17 PM me: hiii

Kiara: hello

me: hiii

is this kiara or alana?

Kiara: kiara

9:18 PM me: tell lana i’m sorry i didn’t get her message until now

Kiara: thats ok she says

9:19 PM what were you doing

me: trying to cut curtains and watching tv with peter

what have you guys been doing?

9:22 PM Kiara: i was folding socks and trying to play school with Alana and now i’m eating pickles with Alana

9:23 PM me: sounds pretty cool

Kiara: Alana wants to chat

9:24 PM me: ok

Kiara: hi

me: Hi Alana!

kiara said you guys played school and folded socks?

Kiara: yes

9:25 PM me: was that cool?

Kiara: yes

9:26 PM how you doing

me: good! how are you?

9:27 PM Kiara: good:)

me: awesome!

Kiara:

me: what are you gonna do now?

9:28 PM Kiara: we don’t know

me: why don’t you guys pretend to be polar bears?

Kiara: 0k

9:29 PM me: you can swim in the ocean and look for fish to eat, and coca cola to drink

Kiara: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9:30 PM me: what?

Kiara: oooookkkkkkkkk

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahaaahahahahaahaahahahaaahaahh

9:31 PM me: alright silly girls. i am going to go watch tv with peter. I will talk to you soon! have a good night.

I love you both

Kiara: <3

no

9:32 PM me: no?

Kiara: no

me: no what?

9:33 PM Kiara: no go

me: awww. i will probably talk to you again tomorrow!

Kiara: ko

——————

3:51 PM Kiara: hi

me: hiiii

Kiara: how are you

me: i am okay. i am at work right now

3:52 PM excited about the weekend

Kiara: yes

3:53 PM i’m ok also

3:54 PM Alana wants to chat

3:55 PM hi

3:56 PM i <3 you

3:57 PM me: Hii! I love you tooo

3:58 PM Kiara: what are you doin

me: working

at work

what are you doing?

are you guys ALWAYS on the computer?

3:59 PM Kiara: yes

4:01 PM me: whyyy?

4:02 PM i am glad i get to talk to you. but you guys should be running around and playing!

and drawing pictures and telling stories!

4:04 PM Kiara: i was drawing

kiara’s playing the wii

me: awesome!

what did you draw?

4:06 PM Kiara: i copied a poodle

4:07 PM me: awesome

what’s it doing?

4:09 PM Kiara: relaxing and eating cupcakes

me: that sounds nice

4:10 PM Kiara: it is nice

4:12 PM

me: did you figure out your favorite things about washington DC yet?

4:15 PM Kiara: no?

4:16 PM (Kiara)

i did

4:19 PM it was seeing the capital up close and the washington monument

4:22 PM me: awesome!

4:23 PM Kiara: yeah

B-)

|)

4:24 PM me: i have never seen those in person

4:27 PM Kiara: Alana here

me: hiii

4:28 PM Kiara: Yo

4:29 PM i am

4:31 PM we got to lay beside the was. mon

but we didn’t go inside

4:33 PM hahaha

me: ha

that’s funny

why didn’t you go in?

4:35 PM Kiara: we didn’t get tickets

4:37 PM me: oh

you have to get tickets?

4:41 PM Kiara: yep

4:42 PM by the way it is Kiara

me: ah

it’s still christa

4:44 PM Kiara: what do you do at work

4:45 PM ?///

4:46 PM me: Today i went to a meeting for a new project, to talk about what that project will be like. I also checked documents for spelling and punctuation mistakes, and then marked corrections on the pages so the person who wrote the pages can fix them.

Kiara: wow

4:47 PM me: what do you mean by wow?

4:48 PM Kiara: wow as inhow much you did

me: Ha. That is not even that much. Usually I do even more!

4:53 PM Kiara: what you doin now

/

?

me: getting ready to go home

4:54 PM Kiara: ok

so

what you gonna do at home

4:55 PM ?

4:56 PM me: tonight i am playing dungeons and dragons with some of my friends

4:57 PM Kiara: awsome

Social experiment

I want to start a social experiment where I gather my friends and do activities based on activities that the characters on the TV show “Friends” do together to see if these are legitimate bonding activities or if they are superficial representations signifying the kinds of things people do to bond. I think it will be most effective if no one realizes what is going on, and luckily no one reads my blog. I’ll let you know how it goes. For now, I am posting a list of ideas gleaned from the show:

poker

dinner around a coffee table

hanging out at a coffeeshop

tossing a ball around

quiz about how well you know your friends

moving into apartments/buildings together

cleaning up a dead man’s apartment

Bay Area Bar Toilet Reviews: The Saga Begins (The Alley)

Everyone get amped! I am going to start reviewing Bay Area toilets as part of my creatively-acronymed BABToiR project.

First up (sans photos) is The Alley. I’m only reviewing women’s and any-sex bathrooms b/c those are the ones I use most frequently, and b/c dudes can pee outside so what do they care if the bathroom is not up to par?

The Alley has one of the most tragically-constructed toilet areas in a bar. Reasons follow.

1. It’s hard to find both the men’s and women’s restrooms in the dark, cranny-filled bar. The signs are not big enough or in obvious enough places, and all the other stuff on the walls distracts the eye from locating the signage.

2. Once you find the sign you encounter a STEP before you can get into the bathroom. The step is in the dark, and if you are drinking, which many people in bars do, you will trip on it or hit your shin on it, both of which are unpleasant.

3. If you make it past the step you will find that the stalls are tiny and the doors are a weird height (both too low at the top and too high on the bottom) and the ceiling is very close to one’s head, unless one is on the short side of human height.

4. At the same time as you are entering the stall you might notice that the bathroom door closes very slowly on its own, so that if you rush to the toilet the door to the restroom is often still open by the time you flush.

Analysis complete.

The Alley is at 3325 Grand Avenue, Oakland, CA 94610.

Movies

I should be in charge of helping movie studios not make crap, going forward. Here’s a short list for them to consider before okaying scripts:
Is there a dog in it who is a main character?
Is that guy from King Of Queens up for consideration for a lead role?
Are one or more of the characters played by Eddie Murphy?
Does the title include the word “dude”?

Rules for buying shoes online

1. Do not buy shoes that include the name of a celebrity you do not aspire to be like (aka Jessica Simpson, Britney, Fergie).

2. Do not buy shoes with plastic toes. They make your feet feel slimy, and that’s gross even in cold weather.

3. Do not buy heels more than 2.5″ tall, because even if they are effing adorable, you will not wear them, and if you do, they will destroy your feet and good feelings.

4. Do not buy shoes with ridiculous embellishments, like fabric flowers stuck to the top of them.

5. Do not buy shoes made by Rampage. I think they hate women, and particularly women’s feet.

6. Do not buy shoes made for gardening or hanging around the house. These shoes already exist, they are called “flip-flops” and “slippers,” and any further variations (Crocs, or Uggs, for example) are unnecessary. (Related note: Flip flops should always cost less than $20.)

7. Try not to be confused by shoes that are named after citites that I want to go to. Buying the shoe is not the same as going to that city.